Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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