The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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