fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
