I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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