Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
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Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
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Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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