I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
