what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
