I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
