Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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