Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
