I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
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He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
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Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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