oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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