No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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