Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
