if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
