there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
