the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
