Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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