i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
And then he peed in my hair
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