she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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