Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I can tuck mytits in my pants
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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