just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
