his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
