things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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