I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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