I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
