I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
