He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
