I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
