K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
