I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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