you guys were way drunker than both of me
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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