I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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