they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
