Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
