Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You took a bar mat shot.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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