and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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