The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
