I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
We are two peas in an std pod
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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