Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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