my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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