Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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