you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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