I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
