Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
