Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
