The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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