I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
