I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
