Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
