I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
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I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
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Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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