Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
