I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
