What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
