I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
