we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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