I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
