I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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