those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
