oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
