I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
