I haven't been this sober since birth.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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