I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
