How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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